rewind button

You know that rewind button for life people are always wishing for? I think I may have found it!

From my point of view, I messed up my life pretty badly this summer. I quit my awesome job, I spent a ridiculous amount of money moving across the country, and yet I ended up right back where I started in the first place (sans job, money, and apartment). Oddly enough, I wasn't too panicked coming back without having a job. I just kept telling myself that it was going to be a good year for me, no matter what happened and that there was a reason for everything. I'm learning to go with the flow here. haha

Before I came back, I emailed my principal, my assistant principal, and the original principal who hired me into Fort Bend (who I never got to work for since I was moved schools). I assumed they wouldn't have any openings, but wanted to see if they would just keep their ears open for me in case they heard of something at another school. All three immediately responded that they would be on the lookout for me, and that if something came up I would be their number one choice. This was encouraging, but I still wasn't counting on anything opening up. I know how little hiring is happening this year in general.

As I was driving back on Tuesday I got an email from the principal that hired me 3 years ago. She had just been given permission to hire for first and third grade and wanted to know when I was moving back. I responded quickly with "TODAY! I'm driving through Dallas right now!" She asked me to come in and interview the next morning. Basically, she had already decided to hire me, but was going to let each of the two teams meet/interview me (along with one other girl she was hiring) and then let them duke it out to see which team got which girl. Both teams were great, but I felt like I really clicked with the first grade team. The team leader is awesome, AND there are 2 girls about my age on the team (um, that's amazing! haha). I was really keeping my fingers crossed that I was placed there. First grade would always be my first choice if given the option!

When I left the school, the principal gave me a huge hug and told me "it's just such a God thing that you showed up right now, I'm so excited about this". I just keep thinking how right she is ... it IS such a God thing! Had I not interviewed with her 3 years ago, and had I not made it a point to stay in contact with her every once in awhile after moving schools, this never would have happened. At the time I had no idea how much that connection would help me years later. It's just amazing the way it worked out!

Later that same afternoon I got a call saying they were putting in the paperwork with HR to recommend me for the first grade position!! I somehow managed to move back and find a perfect job for me in less than 24 hours! How amazing is that?!? Seriously, NO ONE is hiring, and yet somehow I managed this. I'm still a little bit in shock, but I'm SO excited! Everyone knows how much I LOVE first grade, and the team just seems fantastic. I think I am really going to love working with them.

So, I did something crazy, realized it was a mistake, and managed to get my entire life back in a 2 week time span. Things are better than ever now. I get to teach first grade again, I get to work with a new great team, and I get to live with some of my favorite people (I realized recently that having roommates (one's you like at least) is SO much better than living alone). Life is so good! :) And, on top of all that, I now realize how much more I need to appreciate my life. I appreciate every single part of how blessed I am today (and that may not have been the case before).

What have I learned from all this? I've learned that life is not quite as cookie cutter perfect as I had made it out to be. Sometimes it's messy and confusing, and that's okay. I don't have to color in the lines all the time. I can make mistakes. My life does not have to be perfect all the time. I don't have to make all the right decisions the first chance I get. And guess what? Life will still be okay.

I'm SO happy! :)

Kindness

Today in Sunday school we taught the kids about kindness. The focus however, was not just on being kind to others, but recognizing when others are kind to you. The big idea was that many times God provides what you need though the kindness of others. That was just the perfect lesson for today, because I have the perfect example of it this morning.

I have about a million and one stressors on my plate right now. And I'm not talking about little "What am I going to wear today" type stressors. I'm talking major life altering stressors. This past week I just basically hit the wall and like a roly poly I just curled up into myself to escape. I panicked. I froze. I've just been completely overwhelmed. A lot of these stressors are big things over the next few months, but, I did have one current pretty major worry.

With the school being renovated, I have to take home EVERYTHING that belongs to me in a month. As I found out this week, I have a TON of stuff! So, my current worry has been "where the heck am I going to store all this stuff over the summer?". I live on the third story in a one bedroom apartment. Sure I could keep it in my living room, but that would fill the entire space thus putting half my home out of commission for the summer. Not exactly an ideal living situation. Plus that would involve lugging it all up 3 flights of stairs then back down in a few months. Not one part of that seems reasonable or logical at all. It was looking like I was going to just have to get a storage unit for a few months, but that costs a lot of money. It's not that I couldn't afford to pay for it if I had to, but there are a lot of unknowns coming up and I sort of need to save as much money as I can. So I was pretty worried about what I was going to do about this situation.

Here's where I get to the part about God taking care of me. This morning I made it to my ABF class for the first time in months. I've been so bad about getting there early enough for anything other than sunday school. I was sitting next to this lady and she was asking if I was ready for the end of the year. I started to tell her about how I already have one foot out the door even though there are 22 1/2 days left. I was explaining the renovation and packing situation to explain why I all of a sudden felt like it should be summer and have just checked out. She asked me where I was planning to keep all my stuff over the summer and I sighed and said I thought I was going to just have to get a storage unit. She immediately offered to house all my stuff in her garage for me free of charge. She said she has a two car garage, but it's only her so she only uses half. She said up until recently her son and daughter in law had been storing a lot of stuff on the other side but had recently moved it all out so she had the space open. She offered to give me her garage code so that I can come and go as I need to in order to get it all in there.

Pure and simple kindness. This isn't someone I am great friends with, it's not someone I know incredibly well, it's someone I sit next to each week and engage in friendly conversation with. It's someone who wanted to do something nice for someone just to help them out. That's exactly what we were trying to teach the kids today. kindness. Isn't it wonderful?

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, God is taking care of me today, and will do the same tomorrow. Somehow, I'll make it to August ...

Better Than a Hallelujah

This song came on the radio the other day as I was on my way to church and I immediately fell in love with it. I think the lyrics are just beautiful if you listen to them, and I wanted to share it with someone.

If your life feels like a giant mess like mine currently does, maybe you'll find this encouraging.

Better Than a Hallelujah - Amy Grant

God loves a lullaby,

In a mother's tears in the dead of night,

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

God loves the drunkards cry,

The soldier's plea not to let him die,

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries,

God just hears a melody,

Beautiful the mess we are,

The honest cries of breaking hearts,

Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,

The dying man giving up the fight,

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

The tears of shame for what's been done,

The silence when the words won't come,

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries,

God just hears a melody,

Beautiful the mess we are,

The honest cries of breaking hearts,

Are better than a Hallelujah.

Better than a church bell ringing,

Better than a choir singing out, singing out.

We pour out our miseries,

God just hears a melody,

Beautiful the mess we are,

The honest cries of breaking hearts,

Are better than a Hallelujah.

Friendship

Over the past few weeks I have stumbled across a number of verses about friendship that have really stuck with me so I'm going to share a little bit about them:

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

This is a pretty well known verse. I think most people who have been around church for any period of time have heard it. It is always tied in with Jesus of course, because He is the ultimate example of great love and the perfect friend. He literally laid down his life for us. But how does this verse relate to me? I'd like to think I might throw myself in front of a moving bus for some of the people in my life, but I don't think that's the point. I think that laying down one's life for his friends means putting your friends needs above your own. Putting your life aside to do what a friend needs you to do. Forgetting for a minute what you want and what you need and instead focusing on someone else. It's giving someone something they need regardless of how it affects you. It's giving up something you want for someone else. It's putting another's happiness above your own.

This verse was really laid on my heart recently and since then I've made a conscious effort to put others before myself. I've tried to be there for a friend when they needed me even when it wasn't convenient. I've given up doing things I wanted to do because a friend needed me there more. I stopped thinking about myself for just a little while and spent time thinking about a friend. On more than one occasion I have put my life temporarily on hold to help someone else. And you know what, I never felt like I was missing anything. What I found was that through helping someone else, they actually helped me back. They weren't aware of it, and can't understand it when I try and explain, but I unintentionally gained more than I could have imagined just by putting their needs above my own. Through meeting their needs, I found they met mine. The hard part about this though, is that after investing yourself in another person so much, when they no longer need you to be there you can feel a little lost. At least, that's been my experience.

Philippians 2:3

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

This one ties in very well with the first one. The problem I'm currently having is when is enough enough? At what point is putting others before yourself too much. Because I know there has to be a line. Think of others needs first and do things for others, yes; but you can't lose yourself in the process. I think it may be a fine line, and I haven't quite found that yet. I think part of this is assuming the best in people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. It can be really hard to assume the best in people sometimes based on their actions but what i keep reminding myself is that you don't know the whole story. You don't know why people do the things they do. And I'm sure if someone looked at me and my life from the outside some of my actions wouldn't look quite like the way I see them. You just never know the intent behind things, so I guess you just have to give people a little credit and assume the best until given a reason to believe otherwise.

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

which ties in with:

Proverbs 27:6

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

This is one that has taken me many years to really accept. To me, sharpening another person can be painful. It's pointing out the things that need to be changed. It's humbling to have someone tell you that what you are doing isn't okay. It can be so easy to lash out at others when this happens, I know I have in the past. If it comes from a friend though, and comes from the heart so the intent is to help make you a better person, then it's worth listening to. Hard to do? yes. Worth it? I think so.

My friends, my real true friends, haven't really held back in telling me when I am headed down the wrong path. Usually it takes some overreacting and many more conversations for me to listen. But, I am trying much harder to take a step back now and look at what they are saying from their perspective first. Your real friends are supposed to help sharpen you ... but you have to let them. It may hurt to hear it, but if it comes from a friend you can trust that what they are saying is with the best intention to help you become a better person and not to harm you.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.

This is one of my favorite verses because it is so true. We were made to walk this life with others. We are supposed to have friends, that's how we were designed. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do it without my friends, I know I've told them that before. I fall down plenty and I need someone there to pick me up. I'm lucky enough to have people like that in my life. I have some of the best friends in the world.

Peace

I admit it. I am the girl that is ALWAYS worried about something. Honestly, I think I have been known to make up things to worry about when there are no real worries to be found. It seems I always have to be worrying about something, it's just who I am.

At least, that is who I have always been ... right up until now.

Recently there has been more than one area of my life that have pretty much completely blown up in my face. Normally, this would have caused me to crawl in the back corner of my closet, curl up in a ball, and cry (I wish I was kidding, but I'm not). Under normal circumstances, my life right now would be way to much for me to handle stress and worry-wise. And yet, here I am not worried at all. I feel like I should be freaking out, but I can't even force myself to worry about it. I'm not upset; I'm not stressed; I'm not worried; I'm not even feeling unsure. I feel a complete and total sense of peace. Looking back over the past year (or so) I can tell you that I have honestly been adequately prepared for exactly what my life is right now, and I have complete faith that I am prepared (or am being prepared) for the future, whatever it may be. There is uncertainty out the wazoo, and more major changes than I can count in situations once thought to be the most stable, and yet somehow, I feel completely at peace.

Not only am I not stressed about the future, but I'm not even stressed about my day to day life. This is unheard of! I can tell you right now, this sense of peace is not from me. It's not; there is no way it can be. By nature, I am a worrier. Feeling this much peace in light of unknown circumstances is in no way coming from me. That's all God. I'd been praying about it, and I know the ladies from my bible study had been praying for me about it, and I'm telling you, God answered my prayers. He filled me with a complete and total sense of peace that I can't even begin to understand. Logically, I see what is going on, and what challenges are looming ahead, but somehow I know inside that it's nothing to concern myself with. I know that come what may, I'm going to be okay, or even better than okay. For the first time in my entire life, I'm taking it one step at a time. I'm concentrating on what I have to do TODAY, and not worrying about the rest. This must sound like a lot of vague mumbo jumbo to you (I'll explain more later when I can) but the fact of the matter is everything stable in my life fell out from under me in the past 5 months and I feel completely calm, and even happy about it. It's strange ... very strange, but it's great. Who knew this is what it feels like when you actually handle life?!? haha

I read this in my daily devotional yesterday and it was so fitting:

Follow Me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming and you start wondering how you are going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet you tell me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may be an easier way up the mountain than is visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give my angles charge over you to preserve you in all your ways.

Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying my presence. Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you.

Fruit of the Spirit

24 has been a good year for me in a lot of ways so far. I credit this year of my life with being the one where I became my own person. This is the year that I stopped living my life through other people and started to figure out what it was I wanted from life, not caring what others thought or said I should do. Up until this year my life was not about me, it was about the people around me. It was about what other people thought, and what other people wanted at all times. I made decisions based on other people's decisions. I decided what I liked based on what others liked. I decided what to do based on what others were going to do. This year, I found myself hidden behind all those other people. Turns out, I like the person I am all by myself. It's unfortunate that it took me 24 years to figure that out.

That being said, who am I? Or more importantly, what kind of person am I now striving to be:

I want to be a person who:

- loves and shares Jesus

- loves others selflessly

- recognizes all the blessings in life

- shares their blessings with others

- helps others and gives back

- is approachable, forgiving, and friendly

- trusts in God's timing

I was driving around earlier, making this list in my head with the intention of writing it down later, when all of a sudden the idea of the Fruit of the Spirit popped into my head. It has been a LONG time since I have read, or heard about, the Fruits of the Spirit (seriously, since I was a kid I think) and yet, as if out of no where, I remembered this verse:

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control ... - Galatians 5:22-23

As I was thinking about this, I realized that a lot of the qualities on my list of things I want from my life line up perfectly with the things God wants from my life, as described in the above verse:

- loves and shares Jesus (faithfulness)

- loves others selflessly (love)

- recognizes all the blessings in life (joy)

- shares their blessings with others (kindness)

- helps others and gives back (goodness)

- is approachable, forgiving, and friendly (gentleness)

- trusts in God's timing (patience)

All that was missing from my initial list were peace and self control. I could write a whole other post only on self control, but I think for now I'll just go ahead and say that there are definitely aspects of my life I want to have more self control in. And peace? Well, haven't I been working on that all along? Ever since I got moved into second grade this year I have tried really hard to feel God's peace in every situation. Every time I get stressed I try and remind myself of this. In fact, just read my previous post and you will see an example of this.

Funny how without even realizing it I had come up with a list of qualities I wanted to be part of my life and part of who I am, that have a direct correlation to the nine qualities that God wants out of my life and filled me with the moment he entered my heart. I say funny, but what I mean is amazing. Isn't that just what God does? Isn't that exactly how He works? Isn't He amazing?!? I love moments like that, where I can clearly hear Him speaking clearly to me. No deciphering necessary; clear as day I can hear what He has to say.

I spent the first part of this 24th year of my life figuring out what I wanted from my life. I found myself behind all the people I had tried so hard to hide behind for so long. I figured out what I wanted my life to be. Now, in the second half of this year, I am going to really focus on making each of those qualities a central part of my life. I am going to work on making each of those things so deeply ingrained in who I am that when others see me, that is what they see.

Jesus Calling

For Christmas, from my ABF leader, I got the book Jesus Calling. It's a book of short devotions for each day of the year. I love it! It doesn't take much time to read, but has a pretty profound impact on the way my day gets started. Today's was just perfect, and just what I needed (to drag myself out of the back corner of my closet and actually face the day), so I'm going to share it with you:

Let me prepare for you the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you only have vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with Me.

I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding presence is the best road available.

This is what I reminded myself all day today when I felt on the verge of having a total mental breakdown. I may not know where the day is going, or how it will turn out, but Jesus does. He knows, and He will take care of me no matter what happens. So, I chose to remind myself of this fact each time I started to freak out, and instead of having a mental breakdown, I chose to thank Jesus instead for knowing the path ahead, and walking by my side every step of the way.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Have a blessed day :)

Luke 2:8-20

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shown around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests."

When the angles had eft them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Treasure

This verse was really laid on my heart a few months ago and it's resurfaced a number of times since then so I've done a lot of thinking about it:

Matthew 6:19-21

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

What does my "treasure" consist of? That's simple: time and money. And where is my treasure? That one wasn't as easy to answer, and the answer didn't really make me feel very good. My time and money are mostly used for selfish purposes. For the most part, I spend my money on a bunch of things for myself that I don't need, and I spend my time doing a whole lot of nothing. When I really stopped to think about this, I felt awful inside. If I am hoarding all my treasure for myself does that mean that is where my heart is too? Am I really that self centered? Is that really the most important thing in my life? It shouldn't be.

What should my time and money be spent on then? Where do I ultimately want my heart to be? That's easy: with Jesus. If He is really the center of my life, and if I am really living my life for Him, then my treasure should be a representation of that. When I stopped to really think about this I discovered this disconnect between what I want my life focus to be, and what it was in reality. Something had to be done about this.

So, I started thinking. What were some things I could do to make sure that I am investing my treasure in places that put Jesus into the center of my life. The first was easy. I needed to start giving money to my church. I don't think it's necessary to talk much about this because it really isn't anyones business but mine what I give, but the point is, I made a conscious effort to start giving much more. It was a bit scary for me at first because I've never dropped more than a $20 in the offering plate, but when it came down to it, I decided that I would much rather use my money to further the kingdom of God, than to buy something stupid for myself. It was scary at first, but now, months later, I'm not even sure why. I have the money to give, I'm not scraping by. God has provided much for me and that is a pretty simple and straightforward way to give back to Him. I feel like my money is being used for a purpose now, and every week I smile when I drop that check into the offering plate.

Around Christmas it is SO easy to find ways to help others around you who are not as fortunate. I have had more fun picking out gifts for children to donate, through Toys for Tots at school and Gifts of Love at church, than anything! My heart is so full knowing that I am doing my part to help make some less fortunate children have a special Christmas. It started with just one gift, but I felt so good after buying that first one it sort of snowballed. Let's just say I've bought a lot of gifts at this point ... haha! It makes me very happy to think about some kids opening those things I purchased on Christmas, and smiling. That's what it's all about. This is the first Christmas I think I have the right kind of spirit. Sure I'm good at Christmas spirit, I love the lights, the music etc., but this year, more than anything, I feel like I've finally got the real point.

So, what about my time? I noticed recently that I have become very lazy. When I leave work, I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and watch tv or read. What's the point of life if you aren't living it? So again I had to stop and think, what could I do with my time that would have a positive impact on those around me? I mean, isn't that what it's all about; showing God's love to others through our actions?

So, I started signing up to volunteer for whatever I could. Here's what I've got so far; it's not much, but it's only the beginning:

When a situation came up recently to give a little time to mentor a child who I absolutely adore, I jumped right on it. Why can't I give up some time every week to love on and encourage a kid who could benefit from it? There is no reason why I couldn't ... so now I am.

I volunteered at the Sugar Land Town Square Christmas tree lighting event a few weeks ago and spent 3 (freezing cold!) hours passing out jingle bell bracelets to children. I watched child after child's eyes light up and twinkle as I offered them a free bracelet. As cold as I was, it was worth every freezing cold minute to get to share God's love to those children in such a simple way.

Last weekend, I volunteered at the Second Mile Mission Gifts of Love Christmas Party at my church. Second Mile is an organization that provides food, clothing, etc to those who need it. At Christmas my church collects toys and gifts for the organization. Then, we sponsor a party where families get to come in and pick out gifts for each other so they leave with a gift for each person in the family. I enjoyed it so much! I was able to spend the morning with 2 adorable little boys (one who was about 3 years old who kept screaming "this is the best day of my life" over and over and over!), helping them pick out and wrap gifts for their mom and dad. Then we worked on some crafts, ate some cookies, and played on the moon walk. It was such a blessing to be able to minister to those families that way.

I've got something else in the works for this coming year as well, but you'll have to stay tuned for part two. There is SO much more to come!

Why am I sharing this with you? Well, because I can ... and I like to blog! haha. In all honesty, I am SO excited to see how God is going to use me in the coming months, now that I am making a conscious effort to invest my treasure in what really matters!

With Us

With Christmas coming up, at church we have been talking about the reason we celebrate (imagine that, a church talking about the birth of Jesus around Christmas lol). In my ABF, Kathy had a really great message yesterday that sort of sunk in a little deeper than what I had heard or thought about before.
We've all heard the story of the star, the three wise men, and the baby born in the manger. Every year we celebrate His birth on Christmas, but why? It's not that I haven't thought about it before, but I always thought about it in the sense that I love Jesus, and He is my Savior, so I'm going to celebrate the day He was born. Nothing wrong with that, it's all true, it's just there's more.
What really sunk in to me this weekend was the reason I am celebrating Jesus' birth is that this is the day He came to be with me. God, who placed every star in the sky and knows them each by name (Psalm 147:4), left Heaven (would you ever want to leave there, I sure wouldn't!), and came to this world to physically be with us. He left his perfect home to come to an imperfect world, be mocked, tormented, laughed at, hurt, and abused ... all to be with us. Let that sink in. He knows what the world is like, He lived it! He understands what we are going through, because He lived it. The God of the world walked here on this earth because He loved us so much He wanted to physically be with us. And when it was time for Him to leave, He didn't leave us alone. He left us with a piece of him. He left us with the Holy Spirit, who is still, to this day, physically with us. God is with us. Got that?
So on Christmas we celebrate the day our Savior was born. We celebrate the day he came to be with us. We celebrate, for because of Him, we are NEVER alone. NEVER!
Kathy made a really good point I want to share here: We are celebrating a day that our Savior came into this world to be with us so we are never alone, so feeling lonely around the holiday sort of defeats the whole purpose of the celebration.
This year I am spending Christmas with two people in my life who I love dearly. But, there are others who I am so used to spending the holiday with that won't be able to be here this year. For one reason or another they can't make it and aren't coming. I've spent a good deal of time moping around about this. I told my mom it seems depressing, it seems lonely. Feeling lonely defeats the purpose, so I'm done with that. I am celebrating that I am NEVER alone by choosing not to feel lonely. And, I know am blessed to have my mom and brother to spend the holiday with, even if it is just the three of us.
We listened to this song in my ABF. It is mesmerizingly beautiful... if you have a few minutes to sit still and let it sink in, please do. It really is beautiful, and is exactly the message we need to remember at Christmas.

Patience

The other night I went to play bunco (it's one of my many old lady hobbies, don't judge haha) and we were playing at this gift store that one of the ladies owns, so that we could mix in a little Christmas shopping while we were there. On my way back to the bathroom, in the back room of the store, there was a white board with this written on it:

God makes a promise

Faith believes it

Hope anticipates it

Patience quietly awaits it

I stopped to read over it a few times. I loved it enough I took out my phone and jotted it down in the notes app so that I would remember it later. And now, I am sharing it with you.

It's the patience part that I struggle with. In a world of instant gratification, where we are so used to getting everything we want exactly when we want it, quietly waiting on God's promises can seem impossibly hard. I'm working on it though ...

I read another quote in a book I've been reading recently (Catching Fireflies by Patsy Clairemont is a great quick read about finding God's light in different places if you're interested) that ties in well:

Do what you can and then trust God with the rest.

There are a lot of pretty major things I am waiting on at the present time. Every time I start to get stressed because I can't get things to fall into place quickly enough (which trust me, is quite often!), I remind myself of this quote. It reminds me that all I have to do is my part, do what I can, and then sit back and wait and trust God to take care of the rest. He hasn't failed me yet.

Life Change

I went back and forth about blogging about this, but finally decided that maybe it would help someone else to hear it, so I'm going to go ahead and put it out there.

Over the past year my life has changed drastically. I haven't moved, I haven't gotten a new job, I didn't get married or have any kids, and no one close to me has passed away; and yet, my life as a whole has changed in a huge way. My life has changed because of Jesus.

In high school I went to church every week, went on the trips with my church, volunteered through the church, and wore my Jesus shirts to school. I did all these things, and yet I was pretty quiet about the whole thing. I was scared to share Jesus with other people. I was afraid of being judged. I guess that's pretty common among teenagers. Right as high school was ending, I made the decision to be baptized. I am almost embarrassed to admit that the reason I waited so long was I was worried about what others would think of me. I was scared to walk to the front of the church during the invitation. I was scared that others would judge me because it had taken me so long to get it together. My whole life was about being scared of what others would think. And yet, I finally made that step. I was baptized the summer before college and I went to college on fire for God.

Once I got to college, somewhere along the line, I lost what was important to me. I started to have a lot more "where were you God?" moments. I didn't think He was listening to me. I didn't think He cared. Why was I so unhappy and why did things work out the way they did if He was there? Why would he let that happen? I had a lot of questions, a lot of accusations really, but no answers. I was very lost. It reached a point that I just gave up trying to get it back, it didn't seem worth it to me. I stopped going to church and I stopped praying. It wasn't that I didn't believe, I just felt abandoned.

This went on for years. And during those years, looking back, my life was a mess. The word mess doesn't even really begin to describe it, but there is no need to go into details. Sure, I made good grades in school, I worked hard, I had good friends, and a family that loved me, but I was seriously unhappy and I spent much of my life lying to people about it. The hole I was digging for myself just got deeper and deeper. It felt like there was no way out. I began to think that it was just normal to be sad all the time. I found myself shocked when someone would say the last time they cried was months ago. I thought it was normal to cry every day over nothing. I started to think that was all there was to life. I started to think that life sucks and I should just get used to it.

And then, I met Amy. Amy the beautiful little 7 year old in my first grade class. Amy had seen me at church ONE time (the only time I had been in the past year to be exact) and she bounded into my classroom in August thrilled to have a teacher who went to her church. I couldn't break it to her that I didn't really go there, I had just been that one random time, so I didn't. I let her go on believing I went to her church every week, when in fact I didn't. Eventually, she started to come to school every Monday and ask me what I thought of the sermon from the day before. All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was in high school, my church was filled with ladies who were my spiritual role models. Wonderful ladies who I looked up to, whose faith was so strong that it radiated from them. I wanted what they had. To Amy, I was that person. And I had two choices: I could get my act together and be a positive roll model for her, or I could screw it up. So, I started going back to church. It took God using a 7 year old child to get me back on track. Isn't it funny how God does that?

Since last January I became a member at my current church. I started attending service every week without fail. I joined a bible study, met wonderful ladies who hold me accountable, pray for me, and support me. I volunteered with vacation bible school, which opened the door to becoming a Sunday school teacher. I joined my church photography team ... the list goes on. To sum it up, I found ways to get involved and give my time back to God. I'm not really sure the exact moment it happened, because I didn't notice it along the way, but somewhere along the line I started to enjoy my life. I stopped crying all the time, moping about, and focusing on the bad things. I started to see my life through God's eyes, and what a difference it made!

My life has changed in a HUGE way this year! For the first time in years I am really honestly happy. My life has always been very blessed. I never failed to see that. It just got to the point that the bad things in my head outweighed the good. Now I see that was all in my head. I was lost. I was missing the most important thing. What I needed, was Jesus. The outpouring of His love over me has changed my life this year, and I don't ever want to go back to place I was in before.

So what made me think of all this? Each year I write myself a letter around new years as an overview of the year before and to list my goals for the next year. I pulled out a stack of those letters this week and read over them from the past 5 years. Each one was worse than the one before! Then, last year I wrote this:

I'm a mess, that's all there is to it. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be happy, I just don't know how.

That sort of broke my heart to read. I was so sad, and I remember it so well. And it hit me, for the first time in at least 5 years, I am happy. Things aren't perfect, nor will they ever be, but the blessings in my life far outweigh anything bad. I have the right attitude now and that makes all the difference. And why have things changed? It's not because of any major life change. No new place to live, no new job, no new friends, etc. It's because of the wonderful grace of God.

So why am I sharing this with you? I don't want to be the person who tells others what to do, and I don't ever want to shove anything down anyone's throat, but I'm not the scared little girl I was in high school who was too afraid to be judged to share what she feels. Jesus changed my life, and maybe you need to hear that He can change yours too. Maybe you need to hear that it's not normal to cry every day, that it's not normal to be sad all the time for no reason. Maybe you need to hear that there is a way out of the hole you are digging. Because I promise, there is. He is there, He listens, and He will lift you out if you only let him.

1 Peter 5:10

After you have suffered a little while, our God, who is full of kindness through Christ, will forgive you his eternal glory. He personally will come and pick you up, and set you firmly in place, and make you stronger than ever.

What a promise! If you let Him, He will pick you up. He stands at the door and knocks waiting for you to open it (Revelation 3:20). All you have to do is answer. Maybe you need to hear that. Maybe someone you know needs to hear that. Maybe not, but I wanted to share anyway.

I'm confident in the person I am and what I believe. And for the first time ever, I'm not afraid to share it. My life is the way it is for a reason, and I don't want anyone I love to miss out on the blessings from God because they aren't aware. I would hate for someone I love to miss out on something so wonderful because I wasn't bold enough to speak it. So, for the time being, in my own little corner of the internet here, I am going to share with you as I feel led. Take it or leave it (but I sure hope you take it!) :)

Are you a hoarder?

Are you a hoarder? Because I sure am. I have a real problem with holding on to EVERY little thing! Anytime I try to go through things to get rid of stuff I find myself saying over and over, "but, what if ...." and then I wind up keeping it all. I have boxes of things I haven't seen or used in YEARS, so what am I holding on to it for? "what if ..."

Did you know that you can be a people hoarder too? Holding on to people that only bring you down, because you are too afraid to let them go just in case you need them someday. Unfortunately, I've fallen prey to this as well; however, I think I am slowly getting better about it.

At the Women of Faith conference, one of the speakers, Dr. Henry Cloud, had something to say about this. I felt it applied so much to my life, and after spending some time thinking about it, I want to share it with you too:

We are afraid that the world (read: God) will not provide for us, the things that we need, on the day that we need them. So, we hoard. We hold on to things thinking we may need them someday even though they are of no use to us today. We hold on to people because we are too afraid to let go; too afraid that when we need someone, no one will be there. But sometimes we need to let those things go because they are only weighing us down. As hard as it may seem to let go of things or people in our lives, if they aren't adding to our current life, they aren't worth holding on to. And on the day that we need them? God will provide. That's what He does; He provides.

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart

Matthew 7:7

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

1 John 5:14-15

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him.

God has always provided for me what I needed in the past. I have no doubt that certain people have been placed in my life on certain occasions, by God, to help me get through times that are tough. And, He has always blessed me with the means to get the "stuff" I needed when it was necessary. If He has always provided for me in the past, why wouldn't I believe He will continue to provide for me in the future?

I think it's our job to prune away what is unnecessary, be it people or things, to leave room for God to provide for us at the appropriate times. As I stated before, I am a hoarder ... but, I don't want to be ... there's no reason for it. My goal over the next few months is to rid myself of everything unnecessary in my life. All the things that fill up space, clutter my life, or drag me down are going out the window. I'm going to get my life cleaned up a bit. It scares me a little ... but if it wasn't scary, then it wouldn't be worthwhile ... and I honestly believe that.

Give Thanks

It's been sort of a rough 4 months, and I feel like it has been very hard to remember what I am thankful for many days because I am so overwhelmed with the things that haven't worked out as I wanted. But, what is Thanksgiving for if not for forgetting all that bad stuff and reflecting on the blessings in life ... and honestly, there are many. I am truly very blessed. I've been thinking this over for a few days, and here are the things I have come up with that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:

- my church: having found a place to worship, and get involved has made a tremendous difference in my life over the past 6 months. I am thankful to go every Sunday and praise and learn about God with a congregation full of people who love Jesus just as much as me. I am thankful for the ladies in my bible study who encourage me, inspire me, and pray for me. I am thankful for the ladies I work with while teaching Sunday school, and the opportunity to share my love of Jesus with His precious little lambs each week.

- old friends, new friends, and mended friendships that were once thought to be broken beyond repair: What a difference a year makes. I guess along with this I am thankful for my friends' ability to forgive ... even when I make mistakes, however monumental they might be, I am thankful that with time things can go back to the way they were, and in some cases may even be better than before. I am thankful to have so many friends that have known me so well for so long. I don't have to explain myself to these people, because many of them know me as well as I know myself. They have been there through it all. They know how I feel before I voice it. They are there to laugh with me when life is good, and sit and cry with me when it is not.

- my family: Again I must say, what a difference a year makes. Things have come a complete 180 since the holidays last year. I am thankful for the relationship I have with my mom and my dad as individuals. I am thankful that they are there to lend an ear when I need it and that they support me in all my ventures. I am thankful that my brothers, who were once such a pain in the butt to me, have turned out to be amazingly wonderful young men whom I adore. They have wonderful hearts and it makes me smile to be around them.

- I am incredibly thankful for a beautiful seven year old girl whose bold love and faith in Jesus reminded me what life is all about and set me back on the path I had strayed from. God used this wonderful little girl and her pure and simple faith to draw me back to His side. And I have to tell you, because of this child, my life is forever changed ... and most definitely for the better!

- which leads me to the last thing on my list; I am thankful for my savior Jesus Christ. I am thankful that He is ever loving and forgiving. No matter how many times I fall flat on my face He picks me up so I can continue on. He loves me in spite of all my shortcomings. He knows my every thought, and yet still, He loves me. He died for me; is that not an amazing kind of love? I can go about my life here knowing that this is not my home. I can look forward to a day when I will be with him in heaven for eternity. If that isn't something to be thankful for then I don't know what is.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

~ Psalm 107:1

So, what are you thankful for? Take some time to count your blessings today, and if you feel so inclined, share them with me. I would love to hear what you are thankful for this year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Fireflies

One of the speakers at the Women of Faith Conference was Patsy Clairmont, and let me just say that if you ever get a chance to hear this lady speak, don't pass it up. She was absolutely wonderful! She is this tiny (and I literally mean tiny, she's under 5 feet tall), animated (I'm talking dancing all over the stage animated), hilarious (about to make me pee my pants funny), older lady, with a lot to say. She was such an inspiration! After she spoke, I felt compelled to go out and change the world ... and that says a lot.

Patsy talked about fireflies. Think about what a firefly does. It is a small speck of light an otherwise dark sky. Do you remember the way you felt about fireflies as a kid? There was something magical about them wasn't there? The way they would twinkle as they lit up in the darkness. All you ever wanted was to contain the light. How many times did seeing a firefly bring a smile to your face? Can't you just picture your little 5 year old self dancing off through the yard trying to catch one?

Patsy compared our lives to fireflies. We are God's little fireflies, let out in the world to bring small flashes of light to dark places. We are charged with shining God's light. Stop and think about that for a second ... it's a lofty task. How is one person supposed to fill the world with God's light? It's simple really, you just have to start small. You don't have to fill the whole world with light, just the corner you are living in. And how do you do this? By loving on others, making people smile or laugh, going out of our way to do nice things for people, by putting others above yourself. When you think about it, it's really not all that difficult. You can bring happiness and hope to others by doing simple things to brighten up their day. You can be a light to everyone you come in contact with.

Here's the thing about fireflies: they wouldn't be quite so magical and special if there was no darkness for them to light up. The same is true of us. If we are going to be a light to others, if our job is to give people hope and light up their lives with smiles, there has to be some darkness in order to have the greatest impact. You can't appreciate the light without the dark. And that darkness, it's all around. It's everywhere you look. Whether you know it or not, everyone is dealing with some darkness in their lives. Why not try making it a point to shed some light into those dark places. Help someone out, smile at people you walk by, or take care of a friend in need. The light won't always look the same, but it always has the same effect.

This message really seeped into me this past weekend. I felt called to start living my life as a firefly, rather than moping around and focusing on myself. Each morning this week I have climbed out of bed with the thought in my head that I was going to spread light throughout the day ... and then I have gone out and done it! And my goodness, what a difference!! At work I have made it a point to spend less time worrying about my stress, and more time loving on the kids. And oh have we laughed this week. We have taken time out of our busy day (I assure you, it's very busy!) and just giggled. I can see a difference in the kids; their eyes twinkle when I sit down beside them and let them invite me into their 7 year old world. The kids are telling me silly stories and we are spending time laughing and smiling. It's wonderful!

And, in typical God fashion, He has let me know that my efforts are not in vain. I have randomly received multiple affirmations this week that what I do makes a difference and matters. And in my efforts to brighten other people's lives ... my own life has become much brighter. I am happy to get up in the morning again. I look forward to laughing with my second graders again. I love my life again. What a blessing! In making an effort to shine my light, I have been more open to receiving light from others. What a concept ...

It's funny how following God's will can be a blessing in your own life. Funny, but not at all surprising. That's the way it is supposed to be right? If only it didn't always take a smack on the head to figure that out.

Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven.

~ Matthew 5:16

Why not make it a point to be a light to someone this week? Make someone smile; bring them a glimmer of hope. You may be surprised what you get back in return.

Women of Faith

I have SO much to share about the Women of Faith Conference, so over the next few days I'll most likely be slowly blogging about the things that affected me enough that I feel led to record them and share them with you.

The entire weekend was just wonderful. Every single part was really fabulous! I cannot say enough good things about it. It was inspiring and uplifting and quite literally has changed my whole outlook on life right now! The speakers were hilarious, entertaining, open, honest, and real. The musical performances were phenomenal. The fellowship with the ladies from my ABF was really wonderful as well. I laughed, I cried, and I learned a lot! It was exactly what I needed right now to push me through the rest of the semester. I feel blessed and my heart is full.

This is absolutely going to be an annual event for me. I can't imagine missing out on it after having experienced how wonderful it was. It was so good, I am already thinking about who I can invite to go with me next year. I want all the people I love to have the chance to go!

Letting go of the past

I've been doing some thinking about this since last week, and putting my words down on paper helps me to think out my ideas more clearly and solidify things in my mind. This is for me, but if someone else can benefit from it, than maybe it has a dual purpose.

Last Sunday in my ABF class, we watched this video about holding on to the past. The idea was that so many people waste so much energy wishing for things to be how they were "in the good old days", whether your good old days were many years ago, or just last year. I thought the video was very powerful and it really struck a chord with me. Those who know me well know that I am probably the absolute worst in the world at living in the past. It takes me SO long to adjust to something new, and I spend so much time wishing things could go back to how they were. Heck, I still wish on a regular basis that I could move back to the duplex on Holik, and I lived there 5 years ago for goodness sake! But the thing is, things can't go back to how they were. And by spending so much time holding on to the past, you (and by you, I mean me) are missing out on what wonderful things the present has to offer.

"when we're still holding on to how things were, our arms aren't free to embrace today"

There are a lot of things I wish I could change. There are a lot of things that are different that I wish could be the same...

"Life isn't static. It ebbs and it flows, and people grow up and move away and graduate and lose their jobs. And people that you love die, and some people get married and others don't, and some get divorced and some get cancer and things aren't how they were ..."

It's not the same, and it's not going to be the same. It's not supposed to be. That's not how life works. That doesn't mean that the new can't be as good as, if not better than, the old. You can't go back, only forward. Sometimes, all you can do is let go. Maybe it's letting go of an old friendship, an old hurt, or an old love. Maybe it's just letting go of the idea that a relationship can stay the same forever ... because it can't, people change, and that's okay. If you know that it isn't going to be the same you just have to decide if what the new brings is okay with you, or if you need to let it go completely. Holding on to what something was only keeps you from seeing what today has to offer. So, here's to making the most of each day, and looking forward not backward.

... But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 3:13-14

If you get a chance I highly suggest you watch this video. I searched for it online and found it on youtube, but unfortunately could only find it divided into two parts. It's about 12 minutes total, and if you need a little push, or a little encouragement, I'd say it's worth your time. (sorry about the spanish subtitles, it's all I could find)

Leap of Faith

When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.

I am getting very close to taking a very large leap of faith. Most days now, it is all I can think about. At some point there won't be any turning back, only moving forward one step at a time. Hopefully when I take that first step there will be something for me to stand on, because it's scary, terrifying really, and completely overwhelming. But, at the same time, it might be completely necessary. The best things in life do not always come easily, and most great things begin by moving out of your comfort zone. I've never been one to step out of my comfort zone, and maybe that's been the problem. Maybe now it's time ...

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. ~ Deuteronomy 31:8

Waiting

Do you ever feel like you are spending your life waiting for something else? Like your life hasn't turned out exactly the way you had hoped and planned it would, so rather than enjoying life and living in the moment, you are waiting around for that "something better", whatever it may be?

I definitely do. It's not that my life has turned out horribly so far; in all honesty, it's turned out pretty well. It's just not exactly what I wanted it to be. This wasn't the place I pictured for myself. I constantly find myself just waiting for this life I have built in my head to take shape, but it never does. It's sort of hard not to be disappointed when you spend your life waiting for something that doesn't happen.

Hang with me here, my thinking is a little disjointed, but it's going somewhere, I promise ...

How often it seems lately, that the things I need to hear the most, are the things that are taught in my bible study or church service. I learned a new vocabulary word this week that relates to that. My new word is rhema. A rhema is a verse or scripture that is brought to our attention to direct us in a current situation. If that doesn't describe perfectly what has been happening in my life then I don't know what does. Obviously, God is making sure I hear the things I need to.

Anyway, in my bible study we have been talking about this whole concept of waiting on God to provide us with something we feel we want/deserve/need etc. This ties in well to my previous entries about God's plan being above my own. Here is my new thinking: God has this plan for me and somewhere along the line it may or may not include all the things I want out of life. The thing is, He wants to prepare me for this life He has planned for me before He will give it to me. So, He asks me to do things, or change the things that need changing, and He waits for me to follow through. I can't just make things happen the way I want them to, I have to wait; BUT, and that's a big but, just waiting around doing the same old things is not going to get me there. He has all my ducks lined up in a row, but I can't get to them unless I follow what He has asked me to do first. He sets tasks in front of me to prepare me for what He has planned later. That's the key. He wants to mold me into the person I need to be, and prepare me for what is coming in my life. I cannot get to the big things, until I am obedient in the small things He has laid on my heart. Does that make sense?

I know good and well that God is sitting around waiting on me to get my act together on a number of things. He's got all these great plans for me, I'm sure, but I keep failing to follow through with my end of the bargain, the small things; and until I do, I will never see all the great things He has promised.

I woke up the other morning humming this song, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since. It's one of my favorites.

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on you, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on you, lord

though it is painful

but patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve you

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait.

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on you, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on you, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait.

Answered Prayers

I believe that God answers prayers. Sometimes prayers aren't always answered in the way that we want them to be, but that doesn't mean that they go unnoticed. It took me a long time, but I finally figured out that the point is not to pray for the things you want, it's praying for God to help you along the path He has set out for you. It's praying for HIS purposes, not yours. Since I really began praying this way, with a heart for God, rather than selfishly, I have noticed a lot more answered prayers. And rather than be upset about prayers are I feel are unanswered, or answered in a way that I don't care for, I feel a sense of peace (that I guarantee is not from me) and am starting to be able to see the greater good in the way those prayers are answered. Be it big things or small things I trust that God is listening to me. When I pray for something that aligns with His purpose for my life, it is always answered.

Last weekend I met up with an old friend on Saturday night and stayed out too late. When I got home I had trouble falling asleep because even though it was so late, I was still wound up from being out. I knew I had church in the morning at 8am. I knew that if I set my alarm to get up to go to church I was going to get 5 hours of sleep tops (and that was assuming I fell asleep immediately when I laid down, which never happens). I decided I couldn't do it. I knew that alarm was going to go off, I was going to be mad at it, and I would just reset it to make sure I was up in time for 11am Sunday School. So I didn't set my alarm for 7, I set it for 10 instead. It wasn't that I didn't want to go to church, I just knew there was no way I was going to make it. Before I went to sleep though, I prayed. I prayed that if He wanted me there, that He would wake me up. I told Him I really did want to go, I just didn't think I could do it on my own. I asked Him to wake me.

The next morning, as I was dreaming, I distinctly heard a voice calling me to wake up. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. It was 7:00 on the dot. The exact time I needed to set my alarm for in order to get up for early church. And guess what? I didn't feel tired; I wasn't dragging; I felt extremely well rested and energized. 4 1/2 hours of sleep and I was ready to face the day as though I had 8 or more hours. And when I got to church, I found that the messages in both the service and my ABF group were EXACTLY what I had been needing to hear given the way things had been going in my life.

It may be a small thing, but there is not a doubt in my mind that God answered that prayer for me. I didn't wake up on my own, randomly early in the morning, to then go to church to hear a message that was specifically tailored for me. That was all Him.

God answers prayers. That may be a small thing, but knowing that he listens my small prayers gives me faith that he listens to the big ones as well.