Life Change

I went back and forth about blogging about this, but finally decided that maybe it would help someone else to hear it, so I'm going to go ahead and put it out there.

Over the past year my life has changed drastically. I haven't moved, I haven't gotten a new job, I didn't get married or have any kids, and no one close to me has passed away; and yet, my life as a whole has changed in a huge way. My life has changed because of Jesus.

In high school I went to church every week, went on the trips with my church, volunteered through the church, and wore my Jesus shirts to school. I did all these things, and yet I was pretty quiet about the whole thing. I was scared to share Jesus with other people. I was afraid of being judged. I guess that's pretty common among teenagers. Right as high school was ending, I made the decision to be baptized. I am almost embarrassed to admit that the reason I waited so long was I was worried about what others would think of me. I was scared to walk to the front of the church during the invitation. I was scared that others would judge me because it had taken me so long to get it together. My whole life was about being scared of what others would think. And yet, I finally made that step. I was baptized the summer before college and I went to college on fire for God.

Once I got to college, somewhere along the line, I lost what was important to me. I started to have a lot more "where were you God?" moments. I didn't think He was listening to me. I didn't think He cared. Why was I so unhappy and why did things work out the way they did if He was there? Why would he let that happen? I had a lot of questions, a lot of accusations really, but no answers. I was very lost. It reached a point that I just gave up trying to get it back, it didn't seem worth it to me. I stopped going to church and I stopped praying. It wasn't that I didn't believe, I just felt abandoned.

This went on for years. And during those years, looking back, my life was a mess. The word mess doesn't even really begin to describe it, but there is no need to go into details. Sure, I made good grades in school, I worked hard, I had good friends, and a family that loved me, but I was seriously unhappy and I spent much of my life lying to people about it. The hole I was digging for myself just got deeper and deeper. It felt like there was no way out. I began to think that it was just normal to be sad all the time. I found myself shocked when someone would say the last time they cried was months ago. I thought it was normal to cry every day over nothing. I started to think that was all there was to life. I started to think that life sucks and I should just get used to it.

And then, I met Amy. Amy the beautiful little 7 year old in my first grade class. Amy had seen me at church ONE time (the only time I had been in the past year to be exact) and she bounded into my classroom in August thrilled to have a teacher who went to her church. I couldn't break it to her that I didn't really go there, I had just been that one random time, so I didn't. I let her go on believing I went to her church every week, when in fact I didn't. Eventually, she started to come to school every Monday and ask me what I thought of the sermon from the day before. All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was in high school, my church was filled with ladies who were my spiritual role models. Wonderful ladies who I looked up to, whose faith was so strong that it radiated from them. I wanted what they had. To Amy, I was that person. And I had two choices: I could get my act together and be a positive roll model for her, or I could screw it up. So, I started going back to church. It took God using a 7 year old child to get me back on track. Isn't it funny how God does that?

Since last January I became a member at my current church. I started attending service every week without fail. I joined a bible study, met wonderful ladies who hold me accountable, pray for me, and support me. I volunteered with vacation bible school, which opened the door to becoming a Sunday school teacher. I joined my church photography team ... the list goes on. To sum it up, I found ways to get involved and give my time back to God. I'm not really sure the exact moment it happened, because I didn't notice it along the way, but somewhere along the line I started to enjoy my life. I stopped crying all the time, moping about, and focusing on the bad things. I started to see my life through God's eyes, and what a difference it made!

My life has changed in a HUGE way this year! For the first time in years I am really honestly happy. My life has always been very blessed. I never failed to see that. It just got to the point that the bad things in my head outweighed the good. Now I see that was all in my head. I was lost. I was missing the most important thing. What I needed, was Jesus. The outpouring of His love over me has changed my life this year, and I don't ever want to go back to place I was in before.

So what made me think of all this? Each year I write myself a letter around new years as an overview of the year before and to list my goals for the next year. I pulled out a stack of those letters this week and read over them from the past 5 years. Each one was worse than the one before! Then, last year I wrote this:

I'm a mess, that's all there is to it. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be happy, I just don't know how.

That sort of broke my heart to read. I was so sad, and I remember it so well. And it hit me, for the first time in at least 5 years, I am happy. Things aren't perfect, nor will they ever be, but the blessings in my life far outweigh anything bad. I have the right attitude now and that makes all the difference. And why have things changed? It's not because of any major life change. No new place to live, no new job, no new friends, etc. It's because of the wonderful grace of God.

So why am I sharing this with you? I don't want to be the person who tells others what to do, and I don't ever want to shove anything down anyone's throat, but I'm not the scared little girl I was in high school who was too afraid to be judged to share what she feels. Jesus changed my life, and maybe you need to hear that He can change yours too. Maybe you need to hear that it's not normal to cry every day, that it's not normal to be sad all the time for no reason. Maybe you need to hear that there is a way out of the hole you are digging. Because I promise, there is. He is there, He listens, and He will lift you out if you only let him.

1 Peter 5:10

After you have suffered a little while, our God, who is full of kindness through Christ, will forgive you his eternal glory. He personally will come and pick you up, and set you firmly in place, and make you stronger than ever.

What a promise! If you let Him, He will pick you up. He stands at the door and knocks waiting for you to open it (Revelation 3:20). All you have to do is answer. Maybe you need to hear that. Maybe someone you know needs to hear that. Maybe not, but I wanted to share anyway.

I'm confident in the person I am and what I believe. And for the first time ever, I'm not afraid to share it. My life is the way it is for a reason, and I don't want anyone I love to miss out on the blessings from God because they aren't aware. I would hate for someone I love to miss out on something so wonderful because I wasn't bold enough to speak it. So, for the time being, in my own little corner of the internet here, I am going to share with you as I feel led. Take it or leave it (but I sure hope you take it!) :)