Plans

The other night I had dinner with D for the first time in goodness, probably 2 months?!? It had been so long since we had seen each other it felt like we literally knew nothing about what had been going on with the other. It was definitely good to catch up! Here's the thing: once I started talking and filling him in on how things are going, it was like I just couldn't stop. And all of these feelings that I hadn't put into words just spilled out of me.

The thing I realized about my life is that I have always had a plan. That's just the way I'm wired. I live my life through a series of plans; it works for me. A plan for the day, the week, the year, the next 5 years, whatever. There is always a plan; there always has been a plan. I make plans, and then I follow them. That, to me, is comforting. There is stability in plans, and I need stability. I don't do change or uncertainty well at all. When you go to college and get a specialized degree that really only leads to one career choice, you have a plan. See the stability in that? There is no choice to be made; the plan has built in a choice for you. That worked perfectly for me. Low stress, clear plans, life was good ...

Now, I have a problem. Many of my plans have not worked out. Turns out, my plans were not all what I wanted after all. I don't have a new plan. NO PLAN. And I don't know what to do with that. My life has become (what feels like) a gigantic chaotic mess with no direction, because it is lacking in plans. (I realize I have said the word plan so many times in this I am starting to sound like a crazy person, but I sort of feel like one so just go with it). I'm just stumbling through my life in the dark. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. My purpose is missing. Does that make sense? See, not only have I always had plans, but my plans have always been successful. No one else may see it this way, but this current lack of success feels like a total failure. I don't fail at things. I don't! And yet, here we are ... pretty much failing at life.

I sort of feel like the person in a movie who is frozen in place watching others zip around them. You know what I'm talking about?

The whole world is moving, and I'm standing still ...

I am working on formulating new plans. Actually, I have started to formulate part of a new plan, I just need to find a way to make it happen, and then figure out the rest. What I probably need to do is stop being crazy and live life without a plan for once, but that's just not going to happen. I feel very out of sorts without clear direction. It's not a good feeling at all.

And now to go along with the rest of my crazy I have just spilled out for the world to see, I'm just going to go ahead and throw in a nice metaphor for you.

You see, I like the paved road. The path that has already been cleared and has signs leading you the direction you need to go. That path is stable, it doesn't change, you know exactly where you are going and what is going to be there when you get there. It's stable, and there is a clear purpose. Somehow, I have stumbled off that road and have gotten lost somewhere in the trees. There is no turning back; that road is too far behind me now. It appears it is time to start forging my own trail.

And I'll be honest, I'm scared to death.

But you know what? Life is scary ... And that's okay.