The in-between

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's the place in between that we fear ... it's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to. ~Marilyn Ferguson

I sort of feel like Linus. It's scary when there's nothing to hold on to. But, what if you didn't have to let go completely? What if you had someone's hand to hold when you let go of that trapeze? What if you didn't have to give up your security blanket after all? Would that make it less scary? Would that make it more exciting?

I'll keep you posted. Things are looking up :)

Patience

The other night I went to play bunco (it's one of my many old lady hobbies, don't judge haha) and we were playing at this gift store that one of the ladies owns, so that we could mix in a little Christmas shopping while we were there. On my way back to the bathroom, in the back room of the store, there was a white board with this written on it:

God makes a promise

Faith believes it

Hope anticipates it

Patience quietly awaits it

I stopped to read over it a few times. I loved it enough I took out my phone and jotted it down in the notes app so that I would remember it later. And now, I am sharing it with you.

It's the patience part that I struggle with. In a world of instant gratification, where we are so used to getting everything we want exactly when we want it, quietly waiting on God's promises can seem impossibly hard. I'm working on it though ...

I read another quote in a book I've been reading recently (Catching Fireflies by Patsy Clairemont is a great quick read about finding God's light in different places if you're interested) that ties in well:

Do what you can and then trust God with the rest.

There are a lot of pretty major things I am waiting on at the present time. Every time I start to get stressed because I can't get things to fall into place quickly enough (which trust me, is quite often!), I remind myself of this quote. It reminds me that all I have to do is my part, do what I can, and then sit back and wait and trust God to take care of the rest. He hasn't failed me yet.

Life Change

I went back and forth about blogging about this, but finally decided that maybe it would help someone else to hear it, so I'm going to go ahead and put it out there.

Over the past year my life has changed drastically. I haven't moved, I haven't gotten a new job, I didn't get married or have any kids, and no one close to me has passed away; and yet, my life as a whole has changed in a huge way. My life has changed because of Jesus.

In high school I went to church every week, went on the trips with my church, volunteered through the church, and wore my Jesus shirts to school. I did all these things, and yet I was pretty quiet about the whole thing. I was scared to share Jesus with other people. I was afraid of being judged. I guess that's pretty common among teenagers. Right as high school was ending, I made the decision to be baptized. I am almost embarrassed to admit that the reason I waited so long was I was worried about what others would think of me. I was scared to walk to the front of the church during the invitation. I was scared that others would judge me because it had taken me so long to get it together. My whole life was about being scared of what others would think. And yet, I finally made that step. I was baptized the summer before college and I went to college on fire for God.

Once I got to college, somewhere along the line, I lost what was important to me. I started to have a lot more "where were you God?" moments. I didn't think He was listening to me. I didn't think He cared. Why was I so unhappy and why did things work out the way they did if He was there? Why would he let that happen? I had a lot of questions, a lot of accusations really, but no answers. I was very lost. It reached a point that I just gave up trying to get it back, it didn't seem worth it to me. I stopped going to church and I stopped praying. It wasn't that I didn't believe, I just felt abandoned.

This went on for years. And during those years, looking back, my life was a mess. The word mess doesn't even really begin to describe it, but there is no need to go into details. Sure, I made good grades in school, I worked hard, I had good friends, and a family that loved me, but I was seriously unhappy and I spent much of my life lying to people about it. The hole I was digging for myself just got deeper and deeper. It felt like there was no way out. I began to think that it was just normal to be sad all the time. I found myself shocked when someone would say the last time they cried was months ago. I thought it was normal to cry every day over nothing. I started to think that was all there was to life. I started to think that life sucks and I should just get used to it.

And then, I met Amy. Amy the beautiful little 7 year old in my first grade class. Amy had seen me at church ONE time (the only time I had been in the past year to be exact) and she bounded into my classroom in August thrilled to have a teacher who went to her church. I couldn't break it to her that I didn't really go there, I had just been that one random time, so I didn't. I let her go on believing I went to her church every week, when in fact I didn't. Eventually, she started to come to school every Monday and ask me what I thought of the sermon from the day before. All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was in high school, my church was filled with ladies who were my spiritual role models. Wonderful ladies who I looked up to, whose faith was so strong that it radiated from them. I wanted what they had. To Amy, I was that person. And I had two choices: I could get my act together and be a positive roll model for her, or I could screw it up. So, I started going back to church. It took God using a 7 year old child to get me back on track. Isn't it funny how God does that?

Since last January I became a member at my current church. I started attending service every week without fail. I joined a bible study, met wonderful ladies who hold me accountable, pray for me, and support me. I volunteered with vacation bible school, which opened the door to becoming a Sunday school teacher. I joined my church photography team ... the list goes on. To sum it up, I found ways to get involved and give my time back to God. I'm not really sure the exact moment it happened, because I didn't notice it along the way, but somewhere along the line I started to enjoy my life. I stopped crying all the time, moping about, and focusing on the bad things. I started to see my life through God's eyes, and what a difference it made!

My life has changed in a HUGE way this year! For the first time in years I am really honestly happy. My life has always been very blessed. I never failed to see that. It just got to the point that the bad things in my head outweighed the good. Now I see that was all in my head. I was lost. I was missing the most important thing. What I needed, was Jesus. The outpouring of His love over me has changed my life this year, and I don't ever want to go back to place I was in before.

So what made me think of all this? Each year I write myself a letter around new years as an overview of the year before and to list my goals for the next year. I pulled out a stack of those letters this week and read over them from the past 5 years. Each one was worse than the one before! Then, last year I wrote this:

I'm a mess, that's all there is to it. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be happy, I just don't know how.

That sort of broke my heart to read. I was so sad, and I remember it so well. And it hit me, for the first time in at least 5 years, I am happy. Things aren't perfect, nor will they ever be, but the blessings in my life far outweigh anything bad. I have the right attitude now and that makes all the difference. And why have things changed? It's not because of any major life change. No new place to live, no new job, no new friends, etc. It's because of the wonderful grace of God.

So why am I sharing this with you? I don't want to be the person who tells others what to do, and I don't ever want to shove anything down anyone's throat, but I'm not the scared little girl I was in high school who was too afraid to be judged to share what she feels. Jesus changed my life, and maybe you need to hear that He can change yours too. Maybe you need to hear that it's not normal to cry every day, that it's not normal to be sad all the time for no reason. Maybe you need to hear that there is a way out of the hole you are digging. Because I promise, there is. He is there, He listens, and He will lift you out if you only let him.

1 Peter 5:10

After you have suffered a little while, our God, who is full of kindness through Christ, will forgive you his eternal glory. He personally will come and pick you up, and set you firmly in place, and make you stronger than ever.

What a promise! If you let Him, He will pick you up. He stands at the door and knocks waiting for you to open it (Revelation 3:20). All you have to do is answer. Maybe you need to hear that. Maybe someone you know needs to hear that. Maybe not, but I wanted to share anyway.

I'm confident in the person I am and what I believe. And for the first time ever, I'm not afraid to share it. My life is the way it is for a reason, and I don't want anyone I love to miss out on the blessings from God because they aren't aware. I would hate for someone I love to miss out on something so wonderful because I wasn't bold enough to speak it. So, for the time being, in my own little corner of the internet here, I am going to share with you as I feel led. Take it or leave it (but I sure hope you take it!) :)

Are you a hoarder?

Are you a hoarder? Because I sure am. I have a real problem with holding on to EVERY little thing! Anytime I try to go through things to get rid of stuff I find myself saying over and over, "but, what if ...." and then I wind up keeping it all. I have boxes of things I haven't seen or used in YEARS, so what am I holding on to it for? "what if ..."

Did you know that you can be a people hoarder too? Holding on to people that only bring you down, because you are too afraid to let them go just in case you need them someday. Unfortunately, I've fallen prey to this as well; however, I think I am slowly getting better about it.

At the Women of Faith conference, one of the speakers, Dr. Henry Cloud, had something to say about this. I felt it applied so much to my life, and after spending some time thinking about it, I want to share it with you too:

We are afraid that the world (read: God) will not provide for us, the things that we need, on the day that we need them. So, we hoard. We hold on to things thinking we may need them someday even though they are of no use to us today. We hold on to people because we are too afraid to let go; too afraid that when we need someone, no one will be there. But sometimes we need to let those things go because they are only weighing us down. As hard as it may seem to let go of things or people in our lives, if they aren't adding to our current life, they aren't worth holding on to. And on the day that we need them? God will provide. That's what He does; He provides.

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart

Matthew 7:7

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

1 John 5:14-15

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him.

God has always provided for me what I needed in the past. I have no doubt that certain people have been placed in my life on certain occasions, by God, to help me get through times that are tough. And, He has always blessed me with the means to get the "stuff" I needed when it was necessary. If He has always provided for me in the past, why wouldn't I believe He will continue to provide for me in the future?

I think it's our job to prune away what is unnecessary, be it people or things, to leave room for God to provide for us at the appropriate times. As I stated before, I am a hoarder ... but, I don't want to be ... there's no reason for it. My goal over the next few months is to rid myself of everything unnecessary in my life. All the things that fill up space, clutter my life, or drag me down are going out the window. I'm going to get my life cleaned up a bit. It scares me a little ... but if it wasn't scary, then it wouldn't be worthwhile ... and I honestly believe that.

Classroom iPods

So, my dad rocks and decided to purchase 2 iPod touches for me to use in my classroom! They arrived in the mail on Wednesday, so I spent the majority of that night getting everything ready so I could start using them first thing on Thursday. I didn't waste any time haha.

I am using these touches as a tool to improve students' reading fluency. I wish I could take credit for this idea (because it's pretty much the best idea ever) but my dad told me about a teacher who had done it and the results they had seen. The students get to use the voice memos app to record themselves reading fluency passages. They get to record 3 times, listen to each, choose their best, then they load it onto the computer and it automatically copies into a folder with their name on it, thus creating a reading portfolio for each student. Super easy, very straightforward data, and the kids LOVE it!

So, Thursday morning I am about to introduce these to my class when my principal walks in for one of my informal walkthroughs. I'm thinking to myself that this is PERFECT because she's about to see something really awesome I'm doing with my class that no one else is. So I start the lesson and it pretty much goes wonderfully. The kids are talking about fluency, why it's important, what it means, and relating it to the author study we have been working on (which was an added bonus because I hadn't even thought to relate it to that). They were SO excited about the whole thing! My principal seemed pretty impressed (never hurts haha).

I got the kids going on their Daily 5 choices and I called the first 2 kids to me to use the iPods. I showed them one time what to do, they understood immediately (because it really is incredibly easy) and they went to town. They each took about 10 minutes to sit in the hallway and record and listen to themselves 3 times. After the kids had recorded 3 times they came in to me, I showed them how to hook it up to the computer and change the title to have their name, and that's it. It's that easy!

The best part was that even in the very first day, I was able to see how it can really help them. I had 8 kids use them and multiple kids were shocked to hear how choppy their reading was. They had no idea because it is very hard for a kid to focus on decoding the words, understanding the story, and reading fluently. Once they realized what they sounded like, they worked really hard to make it better. In just 3 recordings you could tell a world of difference from the first to the last.

The great thing about this is that once I have shown each student how to do it once, they can do it all on their own. I'll set up a schedule for the iPods, and when it is their turn they will do everything. I don't have to do any extra work (other than listen to the recordings later on) and I have this great data to show their progress with reading fluency. I am SO excited to see where this leads in my classroom. Plus, I've already found a BUNCH of great educational apps that I can add on once the kids get the hang of the recording part.

Lessons Learned

I was talking to someone earlier about how I had been taking my kids outside more than once to play in the snow today. Their response was, "don't you have things you need to be teaching them?"

Don't I have things I need to be teaching them? Of course! Do you know what I taught my 8 year olds today? I taught them:

- work is not the most important thing in life

- people can surprise you

- when an opportunity presents itself, you have to take it before it is too late

- no matter how old you are, you are never too old to act silly

- life is supposed to be enjoyed

- to quote the Zac Brown Band, "it's the little things in life that mean the most"

- some people will do whatever they can to make you smile

and, I taught them that I really care about each of them. I taught them that I care enough that I put their happiness and what they wanted above what "needed to get done". I taught them that their opinions matter, and that they are important to me.

So, did I teach them the 3 branches of government today? No, I didn't. But you know what? I think I taught them more than enough for one day. We'll get to the 3 branches on Monday ...

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!!

Today was one of the best, if not the best, days of this school year. It started snowing just as school was starting at 8am and it never let up. It's still snowing right now. I'm not talking little snow flakes, I'm talking monster sized snow flakes. The kind that are so big that when you look out the window all you can see is white. Today was one day I was glad that you can see out those big windows by the library from my classroom. I was able to watch it snow ALL day! I felt like a kid at Christmas. It was wonderful!

Fairly early in the morning I had my kids put on their coats and we went outside to catch snowflakes on our tongues and dance around in the snow. You should have heard the squeals of delight. Most of them had never seen snow like that before (yeah we got a little last year, but it was nothing like this). The whole thing made my heart smile :) I ended up taking them outside 2 more times later in the day just to run around and feel the snow for a few minutes. They were on top of the world all day! I got so many hugs and "this is the best day of my life, thanks Ms. McCormack" comments. I LOVE those kids to death! I wish I could share pictures here, but I can't post pictures of students on a public blog. Just imagine 22 kids running, screaming, dancing, and sticking out their tongues while staring up at the sky haha.

In the classroom we did minimal work. I mean really, I didn't want to be in school today and I wanted to sit and watch the snow fall all day, so I KNOW those kids felt the same way! We listened to a lot of Christmas music, sang along, and had a blast.

Christmas music, kids singing, laughing, and smiling, and snow ... what could be better than that? I swear the kids eyes just sparkled a bit more than normal today. There is something that feels very magical about snow falling. :)

It is so sad to me to think that tomorrow I will wake up and it will all be over. It will be like today never happened. The magic will be gone and it will just be another cold day. It makes me yearn to live somewhere where it snows often in the winter ... maybe someday ;-) ...

On the plus side, I am going to Colorado next Thursday night, so hopefully I will see some more snow while I am there as well.